Funny Gambling One Liners
It doesn’t take Albert Einstein to figure out that everyone loves to laugh and hear some funny sayings every now and then, and your blog readers are no different.
In fact, the genius himself had a quirky sense of humor.
- Classic Gambling and Vegas One Liner Jokes Posted on Aug 9th Jul 21st by Chuck Buzzberry Following on from our recent posts about the fun of having a crack at winning big playing casino games, bingo and poker online we have a few classic one liners for you.
- That is so funny! My best one is: Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon Cards! Next best one is: If you're playing poker and you look around the table and you can't tell who the sucker is, it's you!
- Aug 14, 2020 - Explore John Wendt's board 'Funny one liners' on Pinterest. See more ideas about funny, funny quotes, just for laughs.
It would take 288 years for one person to spend one night in every hotel room in Las Vegas. Shrimp consumption in Las Vegas is more than 60,000 pounds a day. That's higher than the rest of the country combined and adds up to 22 million pounds per year. The Stardust was the first hotel in Vegas to add a sports book to its casino.
1.
“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.”Albert Einstein
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When you’re sending newsletters or posting status updates on Facebook or Twitter, throw in a funny saying occasionally and brighten up an otherwise boring day.
Funny Sayings and Quotes
2.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”Mark Twain
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3.
“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”
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4.
“Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!”
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5.
“How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener.”
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6.
“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”
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7.
“I get enough exercise pushing my luck.”
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8.
“Death is hereditary.”
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9.
“He who laughs last, didn’t get it.”
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10.
“Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.”
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11.
“I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older … younger.”
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12.
“The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.”
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13.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
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14.
“Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.”
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15.
“Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.”
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16.
“I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.”
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17.
“Constipated people don’t give a crap.”
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18.
“A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.”
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19.
“I stopped fighting my inner demons, were on the same side now.”
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20.
“Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.”
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21.
“Unicorns ARE real, they’re just fat and grey and we call them rhinos.”
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22.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?”
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23.
“Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.”
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24.
“If there is a *WILL*, there are 500 relatives.”
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25.
“Half of the people in the world are below average.”Funny and True
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26.
“When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.”
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27.
“Well-behaved women rarely make history.”
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28.
“Never argue with stupid people; they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”Mark Twain
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29.
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
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30.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
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31.
“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.”
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32.
“If you can’t live without me, Why aren’t you dead yet?”
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33.
“Cheese… milk’s leap toward immortality.”
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34.
“You couldn’t get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.”Edward Flaherty
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35.
“Oh so you think I’m cute when I get angry? Well get ready because I’m about to be GORGEOUS.”
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36.
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
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37.
“One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.”George W. Bush
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38.
“Evolutionists have proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.”
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39.
“The problem with America is stupidity. I’m not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?”
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40.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
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More Funny Sayings And One Liners
41.
“Those who throw dirt only lose ground.”
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42.
“Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.”
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43.
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”
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44.
“When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
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45.
“Ham and eggs – A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.”
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46.
“Hey, remember that person you couldn’t live without? Well, look at you living and shit.”
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47.
“I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?”
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48.
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
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49.
“If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.”
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50.
“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.”
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51.
“After Tuesday, even the calendar goes WTF.”
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52.
“Children in the back seat cause accidents… accidents in the back seat cause children!”
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53.
“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
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54.
“I can’t make you want me, all I can do is stalk you and hope you give in.”
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55.
“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means *put down*.”Bob Newhart
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56.
“You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.”
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57.
“why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?”
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58.
“1492: Native Americans discover Columbus lost at sea.”
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59.
“I’m just one step away from being filthy rich. All I need now is money.”
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60.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
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61.
“Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are Footprints on the moon.”
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62.
“There’s no I in *team*, but there is in WIN.”
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63.
“You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.”
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64.
“Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.”
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65.
“So you mean to tell me my toes are not piggies?”
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66.
“Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, age don’t matter.”
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67.
“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.”
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68.
“I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.”
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69.
“It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!”
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70.
“To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target”
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71.
“Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate interest.”
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72.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.”
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73.
“We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before police.”
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74.
“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on.”
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75.
“Change is good, but dollars are better.”
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76.
“I’m on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.”
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77.
“Good things come to those who work their asses off and never give up.”
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78.
“A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station.”
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More Funny Quotes Coming Your Way
79.
“If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?”
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80.
“Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the *Y* becomes silent.”
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81.
“There are three kinds of people in this world; those who can count and those who can’t.”
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82.
“Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.”
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83.
“I love my sixpack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.”
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84.
“When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.”
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85.
“If you cannot convince them, confuse them.”
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86.
“My Dad used to say *always fight fire with fire*, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”Peter Kay
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87.
“This sentence is a lie.”
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88.
“You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.”
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89.
“How is it that *fat chance* and *slim chance* mean the same thing?”
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90.
“I hate the word homophobia. It’s not a phobia. You’re not scared. You’re an asshole.”Morgan Freeman
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91.
“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”
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92.
“Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?”
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93.
“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs harder.”
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94.
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”Tommy Cooper
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95.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most, live the longest.”
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96.
“I got a car for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.”
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97.
“Why fit in when you’re born to stand out?”Dr Seuss
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98.
“The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.”
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99.
“I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.”Ken Dodd
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100.
“Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.”
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Why Stop At 100 Funny Sayings When There’s Lots More?!
101.
“Beauty is a light switch away.”
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102.
“Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.”
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103.
“I could’ve eaten alphabets and crapped out a better essay!”
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Funny Gambling One Liners Free
104.
“I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.”
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105.
“My blood type is coffee.”
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106.
“Evening news is where they start by saying *Good Evening* and proceed by telling you why it’s not.”
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107.
“If looks could kill, you would be a weapon of mass destruction.”
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108.
“If practice makes perfect and nobody’s perfect, why practice?”
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109.
“You are a big wet blanket on my fire of fun!”
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110.
“If my calculations are correct, Slinky + escalator = everlasting fun!”
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111.
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.”
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112.
“I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.”
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113.
“I can only please one person per day. Today isn’t your day… and tomorrow doesn’t look good either.”
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114.
“I see that you’re very closed-minded. Could you please try be more closed-mouthed.”
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115.
“If you think things can’t get worse it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.”
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116.
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.”Groucho Marx
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117.
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
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118.
“Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.”
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Wow. Even More Funny One Liners
119.
“I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.”
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120.
“If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.”
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121.
“OMG! My son fell out of a tree in the backyard! Should I call 911 or post it on Facebook first?”
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122.
“Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn’t pay..so if you keep reading, you’ll go broke.”
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123.
“War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.”
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124.
“The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.”
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125.
“House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.”
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126.
“Never try to drown your troubles… Especially if he can swim.”
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127.
“All our waiters are married. They know how to take orders.”
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128.
“There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.”
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129.
“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”W.C Fields
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130.
“You can’t be late until you show up.”
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131.
“Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.”
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132.
“Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.”
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133.
“That moment when you walk into a spider web and suddenly turn into a karate master.”
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Funny Gambling One Liners Jokes
134.
“I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was *Shout For Help*.”Jimmy Carr
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135.
“Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.”
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136.
“Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so are thunder and lightning.”
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137.
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.”
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138.
“Trying is the first step towards failure.”Homer Simpson
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Funny Gambling One Liners Near Me
Well, that’s it. What a list!
I hope you enjoyed each and every one of these funny sayings and don’t forget to share this article 🙂
Tags: funny phrasesfunny quotesfunny sayingsone liners
Contents
Looking for the best way to improve your mood or make your friends laugh? Focus on this awesome collection of funny one liners and pick out a few to rattle them off at the next friend get-together.
Best One Liners Ever
With these best one liners ever, you can find yourself laughing like a crazed hyena. Moreover, they can always help you avoid silly moments of silence when you’re with your friends.
- I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.
- I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already.
- I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems – the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.
- I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.
- When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.
- As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.
- If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better.
- The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
- The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
Famous One Liner Jokes
Here are some famous one liner jokes that can easily lift your spirits. Most of these cute one liners are from the iconic comedians and others are from random people.
- I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana – mafia.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
- I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
- I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it.
- The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
- You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. - Hedgehogs, eh? Why can’t they just share the hedge?
- My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.
- What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
- One snowman asks another, “Do you smell carrots?”
Great Clever One Liners
Who says that clever one liners can’t be crazy and hilarious? Read this selection and get a great humor change.
- I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
- Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.
- You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right” – in the left side, there’s nothing right and in the right side, there’s nothing left.
- Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
- Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
- It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
- Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
- My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
- Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
- Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.
New Corny One Liners
Enjoy laughing out loud to our new corny one liners.
- My father is schizophrenia, but he’s good people.
- Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!
- Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.
- Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.
- What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time…’ A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…
- Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes?
- I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
- A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”
- There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.
- I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
- I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
- Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.
Clean One Liner Jokes
There’s nothing better than a good smile, and what better way to do so that with these clean one liner jokes below.
- The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.
- I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
- To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
- Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.
- Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
- A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
- Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
- Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs
- I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
Good One Liner Puns
Our good one liner puns are a wonderful source of excellent mood. Enjoy them!
- What is worse than ants in your pants?
- This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
- I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.
- Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
- Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
- You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
- Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
- I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls.
- I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.
- What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Bad One Liners
Remember, a bad one liner can also be a perfect thing to stuck the tension out of the room during the uncomfortable moments of silence.
- I have 3 kids and no money, why I can’t I have no kids and 3 money.
- I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus. - My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
- My math teacher called me average. How mean!
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
- I just wrote a book on reverse psychology – don’t buy it!
- I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159, then it just CLIX.
- I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
- I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
Witty Single Liners
Glance at these really cool witty single liners and forget about your bad mood forever.
- I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
- Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
- Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.
- Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- With great power, comes great electricity bills.
- Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn’t tried wiping their but with an IPad.
Dumb One Liners
Don’t ignore our dumb one liners. In some cases, a portion of dry humor is what you really need when you’ve got a bad day or problems at work.
- Money talks: mine always says is goodbye.
- I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it: it’s all about balance.
- I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
- I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.
- Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!
- Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
- Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
- Take my advice – I’m not using it.
- People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.
- The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.
- I’m at the age where I can’t take anything with a grain of salt.
- The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Funny One Liners for Adults
Super funny one liners for adults should always be in your back pocket. You never know when you’re going to need them!
- My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
- I tried to change my password to penis but they said it was too short.
- My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
- I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you will never get it.
- I’ve spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no-one will do it.
- My ex girlfriend had this really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up like herself, and act like a fucking bitch all the time.
- Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
- My girlfriend used to smoke after sex, so we started using lube.
- Sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.
- The problem with sex in the movies is, that the popcorn usually spills.
- Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.
- My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.
Hilarious Short One Liner Jokes
Below we’ve collected the most hilarious short one liner jokes. Look at them and share your positive emotions with your friends.
- It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
- My fear of moving stairs is escalating.
- If nothing was learned, nothing was taught.
- Velcro – what a rip-off!
- Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.
- If you are here – who is running hell?
- Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
- Nothing tops a plain pizza.
- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- There’s no “I” in denial.
- A day without sunshine is like, night.
- Born free, taxed to death.
Dark Humor One Liners
What do you need after a tough day at work? Perhaps our selection of dark humor one liners… Just read and giggle, giggle, giggle…
- Last night, I played poker with Tarot cards … got a full house and 4 people died.
- Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
- Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
- Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?
- It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
- Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head.
- Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
- Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
- Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
- Dark humor is like love – not everyone gets it!
- My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
- Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
Our collection contains some of the most interesting and ridiculous one liners. Choose the best ones to entertain yourself or your friends.